Are you worried about a parent’s drug or alcohol use? Does the person who looks after you have a problem with drugs or drink? Maybe it’s a brother or sister, aunt or uncle, or a grandparent who has a problem that worries you. If so, you’re not alone.

There are over a quarter of a million children in the UK who have a parent with a serious drug problem and over a million who have a parent with an alcohol problem. There are also many young people here on the Island who live in a household where there are problems with drugs or alcohol.

Even though you aren’t the only one with these problems, you may feel very lonely. You might not want to talk to anyone about it. You might be afraid what others will think. You might be afraid of getting your family into trouble with the police or social services.

But - you don’t have to cope with this all on your own. There are people who understand and organisations that can help and support you.

It can help to know more about the drug your parent might be using. Some things are a little less scary when we know more about them and how they work. You can read about different drugs here on our website.

 Things You Should Know

·        Your feelings are normal. If you live with someone who has a problem with drink or drugs, it’s normal to have very powerful and conflicting feelings – like anger, fear, love, hatred, loyalty or shame. You can love your parent, but hate what they do and the effect it can have. The feelings can be confusing and upsetting – but it doesn’t mean they are not OK.

·       Take time out. It’s really important to take time for yourself and to do things you enjoy. You have a right to have fun and feel good about yourself. This isn’t being selfish – parents often feel guilty about their drug use and how it affects you.

·      Talk about it. Talking about your feelings is not about betraying other people – it’s about taking care of yourself.

   Talk with your parents and let them know how you feel. If you can’t talk to them and things are bad at home, it’s really important that you tell another adult. That adult might be a teacher you trust, a relative, a youth worker, or even someone at DASH. They won’t judge you, but they will listen and offer support and advice. Talking to people who will take you seriously can really make it easier to cope.

·        It’s not your fault. Your parents’ drug or drink problems are their own responsibility. You are NOT to blame.

·       You can’t control it. You didn’t create your parents’ problem with drugs or drink – and you can’t make it stop. You can tell your parents how it makes you feel and encourage them if they want to stop, but in the end the choice is theirs.

·       It doesn’t help to cover things up. It’s understandable that you may want to protect your mum, dad or family – but if there’s something wrong, pretending things are OK won’t help.

·       Be patient. Over time, people CAN change. But sometimes they have to go through a lot of ups and downs along the way. It’s sad to see someone go back to drugs or drink if they have been off it for a while – but it doesn’t mean they won’t get there in the end.

If you live in a home where a parent has a drug or drink problem, you might find yourself with a lot of responsibility around the house. If you regularly do some of the things in the list below, you are considered to be a “young carer”. 

·        ·        Domestic tasks: such as household chores such as cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc.

·        ·        General care: such as nursing-type tasks like giving medication, changing dressings, assisting with mobility etc.

·   Emotional support: such as providing supervision or trying to cheer them up when they are depressed etc.

·       Intimate care: is washing, dressing and assisting with toilet requirements.

·       Child care: such as helping to care for younger siblings in addition to other caring tasks.

·      Other: refers to tasks such as household and other administration, bill paying, translating for non-English speaking relatives, accompanying to hospital etc.

  How does it feel?

In June 2003, a report called Hidden Harm  was published which highlights the situation of children whose parents or carers have serious problems with drugs. In the report, young people spoke out about how they felt they, or their family life, was affected by their parents’ drug us. Their concerns included:

·      Not having a proper routine in the house for things like mealtimes and bedtimes

·        Not having money in the house for things like food

·     Being afraid of violence, the police, or what might happen to their parents or to the family

·      Having problems at school because they couldn’t concentrate

·       Being glad to go to school because it was calm and safe

·       Feeling like they have to keep their parents’ drug use secret, and covering up what was going on

·       Feeling hurt, rejected, sad, angry and ashamed

·        Feeling isolated and alone

 The Six C’s

 The National Association for Children of Alcoholics  uses these six “C”s for young people whose parents have problems with alcohol. They apply just as much if your parents have problems with drugs:

I didn’t CAUSE it

I can’t CONTROL it

I can’t CURE it

I can take CARE of myself

I can COMMUNICATE my feelings

I can make healthy CHOICES

Getting Help 

The idea of letting others know what’s going on can be very scary. You may be frightened of your family being split up - but this is not always the case at all. In most cases, every effort is made to keep a family together by helping them sort out their problems. Most of the time, what you talk about will go no further than the room you’re talking in.

It is also sometimes possible to receive support and information over the phone or internet. Here are some phone numbers and websites you might like to contact or explore.

Childline

Tel 0800 1111

Young Carers

Connexions

KIDSCAPE

Also see our LINKS Page for young people

 

Jane’s Story

Jane is fifteen and lives at home with her mum and dad. Jane’s dad has been using alcohol and cocaine for a while now. Here’s Jane’s story:

 “I can’t remember a time when my dad didn’t drink. At first it was just Friday or Saturday night but then he started disappearing down the pub almost every night after tea. He started coming home later and later and then sometimes he didn’t come home until the next day.

You may have guessed that my parents started arguing a lot because of the way my dad was acting. Then one night I heard my mum and dad shouting about cocaine and that’s when I really got scared. I’d heard bad things about cocaine and I couldn’t understand why my dad would want to do drugs.

I felt so alone. I couldn’t talk to my mum about it – she had enough on her plate as it was. I was afraid what my friends might think if I told them. I couldn’t even tell my best friend Katy. She thinks that people who use drugs are really stupid, so how could I tell her about my dad? I love my dad and I would hate it if anyone thought badly of him.

I tried to act like nothing was going on. Anytime someone would ask, I’d just put on a big smile and say, “Yeah, I’m fine. Everything’s great.” But really, I was worried about my dad and my family and what would happen to us. I couldn’t concentrate on my schoolwork at all and my teachers started saying I might fail my GCSEs.

Then one day I was looking at the DASH website to find out more about cocaine. I also found out that I could talk to the people who work there about my worries. I could talk to them on the phone, go to their office, or even email them. I started out by emailing them and I’m really glad I did. I go to their office now when I need to talk and they listen to me without judging me or my family. They’ve helped me understand what’s happening and they’ve helped me find ways to cope with it all.

So, if your mum or dad is using drugs, I’d recommend talking to someone, it really does help to talk. It sure helped me!